I need spiritual help?

Whenever I want to do better Is when I'm in the greatest of moods. That Includes when I'm just happy (sober), had a conversation with an inspirational friend about an inspirational subject relevant to complete repentness (that being quittting alcohol, drugs & cigarettes), or just being drunk, or high. It's all the same. I throw away my drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes-JUST to go back and do it all over again. I have countless nights of digging through the trash to find yesterdays cigarettes; crumpled and soacked with perfume not caring; and smoking them. I do have problems. All the time I get on my knees praying to God to forgive me and "I'm serious this time, please help me, Lord." It's always the same; going back to the store picking up cigarette s and 'sterilizing them with a flame' -smoking them. I feel I'll quit someday, but maybe it's just me. What am I to do, guys? I know I'm no grammer literate excuse me for the poor writing- I've tried my best to make it as best articulate as I can. Hopefully you can still understand what my point is. That is that I need help please someone send me something motivational. I know I can't hear God directly, but I fear for my soul God is not to happy with what I'm doing by not trying to hard or not giving to much care into trying better. I justify it by saying even if I way better. My holiness would be like dirty rags like everyone else. Even satanists. You know what I'm saying. I really don't know what I need I'm a very shy guy that practically avoids human contact. I don't know why. I'm very shy. Sometimes I get so happy that I think I'll be an engineering genius knowing calculus functions, but then I get in a depressive mode. Thank God for any of you listening to everthing I had to say. Bless you guys. I know I've ranted a long time, but it didn't take me long to write this. I've spent a long time on the keyboard. I've only made 5 mispellings this whole post. Still trying to figure out what I should plan on doing for my life. As I do not know what I am truely destined for. Anyways guys, Thank You-SO MUCH!!!!